Monday, March 26, 2012

6 of 30: Hardest Thing I have Ever Experienced

If you haven't been following along from the beginning, start here.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

This one was really hard for me to write as you may have guessed. That's why it took so long.

The hardest thing for me to go through was the overwhelming feeling that I was unwanted, unaccepted and unloved. This left me thinking I was worthless and my confidence was nearly non-existent. Not many people would have known it when they met me. While I was happy and friendly on the outside, on the inside I was constantly curling up in shame.

I was the sixth child out of seven in my family. I was the fourth of five girls. By the time I was a teenager, I felt redundant, superfluous. I felt that I wasn't as good, smart or talented as my siblings. I was struggling with my own emotions and identity while trying to convince the world that I was normal. I can look back now and see that what I went through was not unusual, but, at the time, I felt alone and hopelessly freakish.

I struggled to find acceptance as an adult. I probably told myself a million times that true friends would love me for who I was, but it didn't make the rejection any easier. From the time I started dating until I met Ben, I can count my official dates on two hands. I can count the boyfriends I had on one. I know now that this wasn't a horrible tragedy, but, at the time, I felt cast out.

When I met Ben, I finally felt as though something had clicked. I had found someone who could value who I was and love even the strangest aspects of my personality. I felt blessed and truly amazed at my good fortune.

Lest you think that my feelings of worth are tied up in how other people feel about me... All the logic in the world can say that how you feel about yourself is more important than how others feel about you. However, my argument here is that you can feel completely awesome about yourself, and if it seems no one else wants to have anything to do with you, it wears you down after a while. So, imagine a young girl who already doesn't feel spectacular about herself and the effect of her ostracism is devastating.

I'm still working on this aspect of my life, but it is much better than it used to be. I no longer feel worthless. I feel human and flawed as all humans are but I also feel accepted. My best friend has done much for me and continues to do this for me. Through our acceptance of each other, we have fallen in love with each other all over again.

I won't claim to be perfectly satisfied with myself, but my desire to better myself is finally healthy. I highly recommend it. ;)

Next up: What is your dream job, and why?


Rebecca said...

You are not alone. I believe all of your sisters went through the same thing... The trick is being able to accept ourselves the way we are. Sometimes that means saying to ourselves: "I accept myself the way I am." It works for me :)

Anonymous said...

This piece is like trying to figure out the landscape by looking at its reflection in a stormy lake. Yeah. :D


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