Sunday, March 11, 2012

2 of 30: 3 Fears

If you haven't been following along from the beginning, start here.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1. I am afraid of abandonment. Physical, emotional, spiritual, all. I'm irrationally afraid that the people in my life will just up and leave me. I cannot pinpoint when this fear started, specifically. Maybe it was the day my (then) boyfriend told me he had to do the honorable thing and make sure his ex-girlfriend didn't still have feelings for him and he for her. He left to go talk to her and see if there was anything left of their past relationship. (He came back and explained that there wasn't anything but friendship left with her, but I cried in abject fear the entire time he was gone.) 
The strangest thing about this fear is that I don't have a problem with being alone and I am completely content with the idea of being a hermit. Is it that I like to be able to withdraw myself from others with the knowledge that I can always come back when I'm ready? Or, perhaps, it is a way to protect myself (i.e. If I leave you, you can't leave me)? Either, or, both or neither? I think some self-analysis is in order, here.

2. I am afraid of the possible deaths of my immediate family; specifically, my husband and children. I can hear myself screaming uncontrollably in my head when I think about it. I have been a worst-case-scenario thinker for quite a long time, perhaps all my life. I guess, somewhere in my little noggin, I reason that if I think of the worst possible outcome, I will be happy with even the mediocre possibilities. I am also pleasantly surprised when things turn out well. It isn't that I'm afraid of what will happen to them, but more what I will do without them. I suppose it just goes back to the abandonment issue.
A related note: I'm afraid of dying slowly or painfully. When I go, I don't want to feel it or even be aware of it. As a teenager, I used to say, "Drop a bomb in my lap. Just a split second of "Wha-?!" and then it's done." I'm not afraid of the after-life, just what I'll have to go through to get there.

3. I am afraid of evil spirits, ghosts, presences, whatever you may call them. I can logically reason that they really can't do serious harm to me. But, that's what a fear is, right? An illogical emotional response to danger or the unknown. Some people welcome spirits into their lives, but I was taught that, unless a spirit has a special message from God, they have no business being involved in our daily lives. I was taught that good spirits are much too busy to be spending time frightening us.
I have acquired this fear over time, based on several experiences I've had. They started out benignly enough; a mischievous little girl observing us while we slept and then running into another room when I noticed. My prayers stopped her invasion of our home, but I could never go into that other room again except during the day.
This eventually changed into a chilling experience in which a shadowy figure watched me from the doorway of my room when I was home alone. Again, my prayers removed the presence from our home. A few months later, this same shadowy figure actually got nose to nose with my husband while he slept. He woke with a start and quickly insisted that it leave. We later learned that there were people in our apartment complex toying with black magic and were probably aware to some degree of what they were doing.
The most recent one was where we are currently living. Within the first few months of us moving in, my husband and I started hearing male and female voices coming from the direction of our children's room. Our children had trouble sleeping and did not want to spend any time in the room. My husband had nightmares as well. Together, we dedicated our living space (a dedication is a special blessing) and have not had any trouble since.
I think the last one was most frightening to me because it involved my children.

Wow, this blog is really heavy and serious... maybe I'll post a fun, family blog next.. just to keep things light. ;)

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