Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Creation

I wish I could claim this as my own genius, but alas, it was an email forward. I love it, however, and I thought I'd share it with you all.

The Creation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed it's own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Bookmarks make me happy!

I would love to brag about my industrious and creative nature... since I'm not one to brag and I'm not in the least industrious... my creativity might just save me there. I started these a few weeks ago and only just finished a good handful a few days ago. Of course, the culprit in that delay was the ever-growing pile of mail and hospital forms that keep procreating on my desk.

I adore vintage photos (not the creepy ones) and found some really neat ones online... with the help of some lovely quotes about reading and faeries (of course faeries! don't you know me yet?), and some blank bookmarks, I was set!

The flowers were puff-stickers left over from a retro-60's Halloween theme we had at work several years ago. I won't be able to laminate them because of how thick the flowers are but I thought they were cute.

I'm planning on making more. They're slightly addictive.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I hearby treat you to post number 100

After a sufficiently productive and enjoyable day, I made my way to the bedroom, hefted myself into my recently raised bed, read a chapter from Emma and laid down to my repose. Ever so slowly the muscles in my expectant body relaxed to the sounds of a pre-recorded rainstorm. I was blissfully unaware that nature seemed to be blissfully unaware of Spring's arrival and was leaving white evidence of Winter's stubborn nature all over the landscape. It wouldn't have staying power or any disruptive capabilities other than disappointingly chilly weather so close to April. I would only ponder these ideas after a long and distressing night. Distressing because, at that moment of initial relaxation, I was also blissfully unaware that it would only last a few more of those prescious moments.

The first tired complaints of my daughter drifted from her room and I, with slight tension, waited for the expected event of her return to unconsciousness. As her cries gained momentum and urgency, I wondered if perhaps the electrical brown-out soon after she went to bed knocked out the heater in her room. With a sigh, I went to her door, still hoping she would become quiet and go back to sleep.

Upon opening the door, Audrey redoubled her cries and reached for me in desperate supplication. I picked her up and turned on the light. Approximately 3 seconds later, she burped and my shoulder was suddenly warmer than usual. Um... I turned her to look into my face with concern. She coughed and threw up all over me. Wow. Awesome.

I quickly moved her to her changing pad and sat her there, whereupon she proceeded to throw up several times in succession. I think my brain shut down at that point and all I could think was "help!" I was trying to imagine cleaning her up, cleaning myself up and cleaning her room up by myself. At 11:15 at night, that wasn't going to go well. In a panic, I told Audrey to wait on the changing table and I ran to get my lifeline... the phone.

I can only imagine what Ben thought at my calling him so late. I can't even start to concieve what he thought when he picked up the phone to hear my panicked voice and Audrey crying in the background. My rescuer promised to be home in a few minutes and I hung up the phone thinking, "what next?"

Ben came home to Audrey in the bath and me next to the bath a fraction of an inch from a complete meltdown. Ben ushered me off to take a shower and sat with Audrey. I was silently hoping that her stomach troubles were relieved since she seemed to be in a relatively good mood, considering. A fresh diaper and clean pajamas seemed to make everyone feel better. Unfortunately, she was now wide awake and not interested in going back to bed.

Over the next two hours, she threw up every time we thought she must be feeling better and got another change of clothes. She wanted to go back to bed, but every time she settled down with Ben or myself for a cuddle, a few minutes later she would get the wiggles and almost inevitably be sick again.

Ben eventually arranged for a replacement on his shift at work, knowing that I wouldn't rest easy without his presence. We all got back to bed somewhere close to 2am. Ben attempted to comfort me by commending me on the way I handled myself in this crisis. He sited my composure and ability to think clearly enough to put Audrey in the bath while waiting for him, instead of completely dissolving into utter helplessness under a deluge of tears. Unbeknownst to him while he was trying to lift me up, I was completely dissolving into utter helplessness under a deluge of tears.

Is strength the ability to deal with unpleasantness with confidence and forebearance? I can't believe that there is any strength involved in silently holding off insanity until the lights go out.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Audrey's Adventure

I promised last week that I would tell the full story on Audrey's trip to the hospital as well as any updates since then.

The first thing to consider about this whole ordeal is the fact that we were instructed to not give Audrey anything to eat after midnight and nothing to drink after 7:40am. Audrey doesn't usually get up in the morning until 8:30 or 9, so she didn't get ANYTHING before we headed out to the hospital. The second thing to consider is that we were instructed to check in at the hospital 2 hours prior to surgery. (Her surgery was scheduled at 11:50.) What they thought we were going to do with an almost-two-year-old in a hospital for two hours is beyond my understanding.

Mom and Dad did their best to distract Audrey and keep her relatively happy.

Here, she is using Ben's $100 calculator to make "phone calls."

Here is the "before" shot of her belly button & a shot of her vitals getting checked.

Shortly thereafter, the anesthesiologist came in and gave Audrey some "happy juice" which was some sort of concoction meant to relax her so that she didn't freak out when she was taken away from us for the surgery. This stuff didn't really relax her, it just made her super drunk and EVERYTHING was hilarious to her. When they finally did take her for the surgery, she didn't get sad until she realized that we weren't going with her... THEN she got upset.

Ben and I waited in another area for the short operation to be done and over with. We were told it would take about 45 minutes... an hour later we started to wonder (especially since they called a CODE BLUE at one point.. eek). An hour and fifteen minutes later I was starting to get a little worried. At that point, the doctor finally came out and said that the reason everything took so long is that the hernia turned out to be bigger than they originally thought and he also had to stitch up Audrey's belly button three times. Wait.. what? Three times?
Yeah. He sewed it up the first time, the nurses thought it looked great but he just didn't think it looked right. So he sewed it up again... He still wasn't satisfied, so he sewed it up a THIRD time. He said that he would have wanted it to look nice if it had been his daughter, so that's why he was so picky about it... that was nice and it made us feel a whole lot better. A few minutes later, we were allowed to go back and see Audrey.

Who was screaming at the top of her lungs and trying to crawl off the gurney. They knocked her out again and so we got to sit and watch her sleep. She fell asleep head-down on the gurney and none of us felt that it was important enough to switch her round.

After about an hour, she woke up again and was really unhappy about it.

All she wanted to do was be held and cuddled and be allowed to cry. It was pretty heartbreaking. She got a popsicle for troubles and took a ride on a wheelchair with Mom while Dad went to get the van. The next couple of days were pretty awful. She was in a rotten mood and didn't want anything even though she wanted everything. It's only been in the last day or two that she has been in a regular, decent mood.

Today, we went down to the hospital for her post-op checkup. The nurse removed the dressing, looked at Audrey's booboo and said everything looks good. We took a picture of her regular belly button, though it's kindof hard to see. She wouldn't let us take a closeup of it which Jen will probably be happy about.. (she has a couple of tiny scabs)

So there you have it. Nearly two years of staring at and worrying about one belly button and now we'll spend the next couple trying to get used to her new one.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Audrey's Belly Button

We'll have more to update soon, but we just got back from the hospital. Audrey is doing fine (super grouchy). She's still a little dopey and can't walk very well, but hopefully she's not feeling any pain.
The surgeon said he was surprised at how big the hernia actually was. I guess it was a lot bigger than they originally thought. The surgery also took a little longer because he wanted to make sure he stitched up her belly button in such a way so that it looks good. :) He said if it was his daughter he would have wanted it to look nice.
Anyway.. we'll post more soon, too tired right now and haven't downloaded the pictures yet.

More soon.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Little Loves

Super cute idea guys! And, shhh, I thought of it in my own little brain! Why do so many of us forget to be spontaneous and fun when we've been married/attached for so long? We so often sigh over our honeys forgetting to be romantic except on those 2 or 3 days a year, but we're guilty of it too!! (Sometimes more so!) So, here's my idea.

I made up some cute little cards and laminated them this morning (when I should have been sleeping). The cards say things like "Hug me", "I love you", "I've been thinking about you", etc. Yes, sortof like conversation hearts, but much better! I call them Little Loves. Under each saying are the rules or instructions for the game: "Hide me where you know I'll be found right away or... after a while."

The cards range from simple, to thoughtful (I.E. Take a nap - no strings attached.) and into flirty and dang near spicy! I won't share the spicy ones with you, my delicacy won't allow me to. (Ben's eyes only!)

So make up some of your own Little Loves, laminate them and tuck them away in fun places, surprising places, silly places!

I hid some for Ben this morning before he got back from work and so let the games begin!!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Dinner tonight was followed by some lovely strawberries. Audrey loves strawberries ("awwberries"). Because she actually tried her dinner and made somewhat of an effort with it, we rewarded her with a small bowl of the red fruit. She ate them with great alacrity and only looked at us with a worried expression when she realized that they were a touch tart.
She finished off the awwberries and asked for more. I told her that she was done and I wasn't going to give her more because I didn't want her to have an adverse reaction to them.

Okay, okay. Here's what happened:

Mom: No more tonight. Mama doesn't want you to get the cha-cha's.

Dad: Or become allergic to them.

Audrey: Cha-cha's.

Mom: Yeah. Cha-cha's aren't fun at all.

Audrey: Pffllllhhhhhhhbbbbbbtttttttt!

Mom and Dad hurriedly turn away to muffle their laughter and don't regain their composure for several minutes. Meanwhile, Audrey continues to find louder and spitty-er ways to make the sound, not helping the situation at all.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Okay, so I'm ditzy.

When I posted the blog about the lovely day we had mini-golfing, I forgot to add one picture.
It's a little fuzzy, but it WAS a photo booth session after all... :D

Cute, huh?
I also need to post the link to the additional photos from that day that I put up on Facebook. For those of you who don't use Facebook, this link should bring you to my online photo album.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...