Monday, May 14, 2012

18 of 30: Difficult to Forgive

If you haven't been following along from the beginning, click here.

What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

I cannot be too specific with the details of this. I believe that if you have forgiven someone, even yourself, of something, the gory details and specifics should be left alone.

Several years ago, someone betrayed my trust. Everything that they had told me or done for me instantly became a lie. What made it worse was that they didn't even come out and tell me, themselves. I found out about it myself and then had to find a way to confront them about it. I was angry and hurt. More than anything I was completely crushed.

I started to wonder what I had done that would make them hurt me like that. I must admit that I allowed a few seconds to blame myself before I realized that nothing I could have done would have driven them to hurt me. What they did was their own choice.

The next few months were a haze of depression and anxiety. My emotions were tender and I felt that anyone who looked at me would know that there was something wrong. It didn't take much to make me cry. I often wondered if my relationship with that person was over. This terrified me. I choose carefully who I am close enough with to love. I don't make friends easily and each loss is like experiencing a death.

I did start to heal, even if it was slowly. My healing process was hindered, however, by what felt like a domino effect of painful revelations or experiences in the lives of many people who were close to me. I felt that every aspect of my life was falling apart and there was nothing left to hold on to.

Now, years later, I am still healing. I forgave this person relatively quickly, but I could not forget. I don't use my memories against them, but I am always worried that it could happen again, or something even worse. My guard is still up and I don't know when I will be able to let it down.

My relationship with this person is nowhere near perfect, but it is stronger. I know it could only get stronger by going through something so difficult. I also know that it would not have gotten better if both of us hadn't wanted to make it so.

I can only attribute how far I've come in this process to my Heavenly Father. He has helped me to heal and rise above the depression and fear. Prayer is incredible in its healing and calming abilities.
I could not have come through this without faith or my family.

Next: If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

Complete forgiveness is the most liberating experience I have ever had.

We then feel great compassion and mercy towards those who have offended.

It's a lesson few of us learn.

BTW: Happy Mother's Day!!


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